Confessions of a Twice-aholic

Because I am the Queen of Rationalization for all my actions, before I made the decision to finance my surgery, I rationalized the new payment by saying, "I spend way more than that on junk food and fast food in a month!  It will balance out."  One factor I could never have foreseen was a new addiction…shoes and clothes!  Merciful Heavens!  I'm in deep, and I have to put my foot down (and stop trying on new shoes) NOW!!!

A couple of months ago, I stumbled upon this amazing website called "Twice" through which one can purchase and sell gently used, name-brand clothing, shoes, and bags.  I was in Heaven!  When I first discovered the site, the clothing was very reasonably priced (although the prices seem to be creeping up with the site's popularity.)  This was perfect because, as fast as my body has been changing, I could not rationalize (no matter how hard I tried) paying full price for clothes that would be too big before they were even laundered once.  I purchased a few pieces here and there - a Calvin Klein blazer, NWT (that's "new with tag" in the second-hand clothing biz), for $17!  I've been able to create a great professional wardrobe for much less than it would have cost retail.  

Now, this might seem like no big deal, but those boxes arrive at my house on at least a weekly basis.  To date, I have purchased 4 pairs of shoes, who-knows-how-many tops, 2 blazers, a couple of pairs of pants, and NO bags!  (I had to throw that in just to make myself feel better!)  My name is Missy, and I'm a Twice-aholic.  Then, as if that weren't enough, I went to the Dillard's shoe sale last weekend and bought FOUR more pairs of shoes!!!  In my defense, though, three of those four are very practical dress shoes, and they were marked down 65%.  (See why I'm the Queen?)

WOW!  This really brings my problem into the light!  I'm so embarrassed by this confession that I may have second thoughts about posting it!  Press on, though, Missy!  Press on!

As I was thinking about this issue this morning, it occurred to me that I have simply replaced one addiction with another.  You see, food is really no longer an addiction or issue to me.  Eating is just something I do to stay alive now, where before my surgery, it was what I lived for.  I acknowledge that my newfound love for shoes and clothes has become my new "craving."  Not healthy, nor what I had hoped for.

I read a wonderful book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkhurst about a year ago.  In this book, the author writes that we are all born with an innate craving in our hearts that God intended to be filled by a relationship with Him.  We've heard about that "God-shaped hole."  While the book primarily deals with our tendency to attempt to satisfy that craving with food, it also recognizes the many other fake gods with which we try to fill it - alcohol, sex, material things, SHOES!  All those things may temporarily make us feel "satisfied," but the hole is still there, and often even grows larger.  We are only truly satisfied when we satisfy our craving in communion the Creator and Lover of our souls.

While I was dealing with my addiction to food, I had a lunch bag embroidered with the phrase "Made 2 Crave U."  I'm thinking I need to have a big sign made for my closet with that same phrase...just to remind me that, even though my closet may be filled to overflowing, my heart will remain empty unless I truly crave and chase after Jesus.

May you be blessed, and may your heart be satisfied by Him!

Let That Skinny Girl OUT!!!

I used to have a sign in my kitchen that said, "There's a skinny girl who lives inside of me that's trying to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies!"  Until a little over three months ago, that was so true!  And pizza, and ice cream, and Coke, and pasta, and chocolate, and…well, just about anything you can imagine.  I took that sign down, though, and am allowing that girl to emerge from the prison that once held her captive!

One thing I am truly blessed with is a husband who loves me no matter my size, hair color (unless it's burgundy), or even if I choose to stay in my jammies with my hair going every which way (my current attire.)  One thing I am truly cursed with is a self who could not love me the way I was…ever!  In the 7th grade, at about 115 pounds, I went on my first diet because I was "fat."  I was basing that judgment on the fact that no sunlight could be seen between my thighs when I stood with my legs together.  I compared myself to other girls who were, in my eyes, the perfect size.  That was the beginning of a lifelong struggle to measure up to the world's standards.  It was also the beginning of a cycle of self-loathing, yo-yo dieting, and destruction that kept me from living life to the fullest for much of my adult life.

I've tried and temporarily succeeded more weight loss plans and gimmicks than you can shake a stick at…Atkins, Weight Watchers (multiple times and many with success), Metabolic Research, Phen-fen (I was devastated when they took it off the market), Phentermine alone, OTC diet pills, low fat, low carb, that crazy cabbage diet, and even one where you had to eat wieners and beets.  YUCK!!!  The bottom line is that, even though I would often lose 40 pounds or so, I always fell back into my old way of eating and gained back what was lost…PLUS!  It seems that emotions are the most fattening thing we can ever eat!

Last year, though, I could not take it anymore!  At 231 pounds, wearing size 18-20 pants, my feet and my knee could no longer bear my weight without pain; I couldn't walk to my car from work without getting winded; I had no energy, and I had lost all my joy.  I could not bear the pain of seeing what I had done to myself.  It was time to make a permanent change and defeat the demon waging war with my health.  So, on October 29, 2014, I was given a do-over.  The reset button was pushed, and I was given a second chance at life…to the fullest!

My three-month follow up was this past Tuesday.  45 pounds are gone - FOREVER!  Not only that, my body fat percentage dropped from 45.8% pre-op to 39.6%, and I've lost 9 inches in my hips and 6.5 inches in my waist!!!  But what I've lost is not the important part!  What I've gained is self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem.  There is no way to measure that!

Wednesday, as I was drying my hair, I noticed something that I had never seen before.  I texted Emily and said, "You'll never believe what I found when I was drying my hair this morning!"  She replied, "???"  "BICEPS, baby!" was my response!  Welcome to the gun show, ladies and gentlemen!!!  Now granted, they are cap pistols or maybe BB guns at best, but there is certainly some definition!  It's nice to see my hard work at the gym pay off, even in small increments.

So, about that skinny girl…at 48 years old, I realize that being "skinny" is truly not what is important.  Being healthy, however, is everything.  I stopped trying to shut that healthy girl inside of me up with junk food, and have instead chosen to eat and live in such a way that the layers of life-taking fat that have smothered her for so many years are melting off, slowly but surely, allowing her to emerge like a phoenix from the ashes!  I thank God for rescuing me from that pit of despair in which I was comfortably miserable for so long!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."  Psalm 40:1-3

May you be truly blessed!

Conquering Unfamiliar Territory

A little over a month ago, I entered a world that was quite unfamiliar to me; a world of which I had previously been pretty much terrified.  It is a cold, hard world in which pain is not only acceptable, but desired.  In this world, one might anticipate hearing the clanging of heavy metal, wailing and gnashing of teeth.  It is a house of torture for which people, myself included, pay good money!  That world, as you've probably guessed, is the GYM!

After four sessions with my trainer, however, I am becoming more acclimated to this foreign land…and have bravely begun to explore its resources.  Last week, my friend and I decided we would go to a core workout class.  It couldn't be that bad.  After all, it was only a 30 minute class. No cardio.  Easy breezy, right?  WRONG!!!  

At first, it wasn't so bad.  We did a few yoga-ish moves, some lunges, some squats, typical core moves. Of course, I couldn't do all the moves correctly, but I gave it a good try.  I was feeling pretty good about my efforts until she said the word "plank."  OK.  Now, I really wasn't aware that we would be belly down on the floor, so I didn't bring a mat.  April and I grabbed a towel for this part.  The instructor told us to go to our elbows and "hover."  Now that was tough!  THEN, she had us do this move called a "walking hover" or something like that.  Oh, merciful Heaven!  I am pretty sure that I looked like Patrick the Starfish from SpongeBob flopping around on a beach trying to get back into the ocean!  It was tragic!  I've still got scabs on my elbows from the towel burns that little move caused!  When I finally decided that there was no way on earth I was going to be able to perform this feat, I just lay there on my belly wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into!  It was the longest 30 minutes of my life!  But I survived and was actually able to do my own version of the routines.  I didn't say it was pretty or correct, but I was moving!  Ya gotta start somewhere!  

Each day gets a little easier, and I grow a little more confident.  I try to make sure I work out at least 5 days per week, and although I wouldn't exactly say I'm exactly killing any particular workout, I am making progress.  It makes me feel successful when I feel my muscles ache a little because I have given them a good workout.  I really believe my balance is improving (if you know me, you know that is a good thing!  I am a klutz!), and I do feel stronger!

I worked out with my trainer on Tuesday and, as is the routine, weighed and measured prior to the workout.  My weight was 191.  I officially hit the 40 pound weight loss mark!!!  I also lost over another inch on my hips and my waist!  Celebration time!!!  

Tonight, after Todd and I worked out at Better Bodies, I had him take this photo of my with a 40 pound dumbbell, which was stinking heavy to lift!  

It is hard to believe that 2 1/2 months ago, that much extra weight was on my body!  It is no wonder my feet and knee stayed so angry!  What a relief that I could just put that dumbbell back on the rack and walk away from those 40 pounds…never looking back!  This journey just keeps getting better and better!

Blessings!

Pssst…I have a secret!

This post comes with a disclaimer:  the contents of this post are, by no means, intended to be risqué or skanky!  Now, with that said, a terrific milestone was reached today!!!  Before I tell you, allow me to lay the foundation for the story.

For the past 4 years or so, I have depended heavily (pun intended) upon Lane Bryant for the bulk of my wardrobe.  This included items not seen by anyone except occasionally my hubby.  Victoria, unfortunately, did not have any secrets in my size.  I longed for the day when I could once again shop among the "angels" in that store plastered in tacky shades of pink.  (An important, yet somewhat unrelated, side note is that I have ALWAYS dreamt of looking hott in a "little black dress.")

My 48th birthday was just two days before my gastric sleeve procedure.  My precious man, with the shopping assistance of our daughter, Emily, gave me two of the most thoughtful gifts I could have ever received: a size 12 "little black dress" to shrink into, and a gift card to Victoria's Secret for when my current secrets became too big!!!  How sweet is that?!?  

I'm sure it will come as no surprise where this story is going, so I'll just spit it out!  I was finally able to use part of that gift card on THREE secrets!!! One is actually for the gym, and the other two are very modest because that's how I roll!  They've got the little VS heart on them, nonetheless!  

A very kind lady name Susan measured me and helped me find just the right fit, then helped me find a couple of pretty colors.  As I stood in the long line with all the other women purchasing their pretty little secrets, I actually kinda felt like an angel…at least like I was in Heaven.  I know this may seem very superficial and vain, but this is a really big deal to a girl!  Finally, it was my turn to pay!  I proudly set my items on the counter, pulled my pink, sparkly gift card that read "Happy Birthday Sexy" out of my wallet, and watched the sales clerk put my secrets into a hot pink bag.  

Surprisingly, she did not wrap them in tissue paper, which was something I thought they always did, so I kinda whispered, "Could you just put a little tissue paper over them?"  I could not just walk through the mall with every Tom, Dick, and Harry seeing my secrets!  She was happy to oblige.  She understood.

With my bag of now discreetly covered secrets in tow, I walked out of that store with the biggest grin on my face!  I think I might have even clicked my heels together in my mind. Never again will I have to feel the sadness and defeat of not being able to shop in that store.  Another VICTORY!!!  It may just be a small victory, but it is MINE!!!

SNOW DAY!!!

"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind." - C.S. Lewis

Today is a snow day for me.  The snow is not deep, but the roads are incredibly dangerous; therefore, my man all but ordered me to call in to work.  He truly does love and protect me.  There have been at least three car accidents within two miles of my house this morning alone.  

I am safe and warm, though.  My morning coffee sits beside me in my adorable owl mug that was given to me for my birthday by my son and his sweet wife.  Buck, our chocolate lab is curled up on the sofa near me, snoozing.  Ellie Mae, my feisty mini Schnauzer, just abandoned her perch near the front window to snuggle in beside me for her morning nap.  It is a good day!

Today is the last day of 2014.  As I sit in the silence of my home, I reflect on all that the Lord has done over the past 365 days.  This has certainly been a blessed and amazing year! 

In February, Todd underwent surgery to clean out his sinuses and correct a severely deviated septum.  The details are pretty gross, so I will just say that the surgery not only helped him to breathe better than he ever had, but it ridded him of a horrific smell he referred to as "a dead bird" in his nose.  We all took bets on what type of bird the doctor would remove.  As it turned out, there was no bird, but it was definitely full of something "fowl."  Haha! I'm so punny!

Todd built the most adorable building in the spring to house "Fox & Hound Hair Studio." Our daughter, Emily, opened the doors to the salon in the Spring and has been super busy since.  She also moved into a sweet little two bedroom house in town, and has decided to finish her prerequisites for nursing school in the spring.  

Eric and Caitlin, our son and daughter-in-law, own the fitness center in town, as well as "Pork Choppers," a helicopter hog hunting business that outfits aerial hog and varmint hunts.  Feral hogs are a real problem to farmers and ranchers in most of the U.S.  This service is helpful in keeping their population under a little better control, and gives the client an unique hunting experience.  (Maybe Eric should hire me to write some of his ads.)  Todd and I are very proud of our young entrepreneurs and their success!

Not all blessings are pleasant or easy to receive, as we all experienced in May.  Todd and his siblings had to say "Farewell for now" to their sweet Momma on Mother's Day.  Her long, heartbreaking battle with Alzheimer's finally ended, and she was made whole again.  We all marveled at how her son, Bobby, was probably the first one to greet her as she entered Heaven, swooping her into his arms and giving her the best Mother's Day gift ever.

The circle of life continued as two precious babies made their ways into our lives and our hearts this past year.  Dylan Reece Shaver made her appearance on April 22 to my nephew, Zach, and his wife, Hanna.  Then on October 25, Reese Andrew Shaver was born to my other nephew, Andy, and his wife, Jessy.  It has been 16 years since we had babies in our family, so this has been a double blessing!  My sister, Michelle, is the happiest I have ever seen her with these littles in her life!

Each of us had birthdays this year.  We are thankful for that.  Caitlin and Emily turned 25. Eric just turned 28 yesterday. I celebrated the 19th anniversary of my 29th birthday, and Todd hit the BIG 5-0!!!  Todd's birthday gift was to drive a NASCAR race car, which he did in November!  He had his very own fan club in tow, with the kids and me, along with our friends, Randy and Brandy Huckabee.  It was a wonderful day!

Of course, there were also the HUGE blessings of my fabulous new job and the surgery that has forever changed my life.  I truly feel that God has blessed me WAY beyond what I deserve!  Then again, I'm so glad He doesn't give me what I really deserve.

That is 2014 in a very small nutshell.  Now, as I sit here reminiscing on the things we are leaving behind, excitement begins to well up within my spirit as I contemplate what is in store for us in 2015! If C.S. Lewis was right, I can't even imagine what awesomeness awaits us as we step into the New Year!

Thank you for sharing this past year with me!  May God richly bless you and yours in the year to come!

200 In My Rear-View Mirror

As I look back on my last post, I find it hard to believe that over one month has passed since I posted anything.  One month, a family Thanksgiving celebration, Todd's back going out, injections in various joints for both of us, and preparing for Christmas are behind us now, and the Christmas season is staring us in the face.  Where does the time go?  And how does a holiday that has been scheduled for the same date each and every year for centuries "sneak up on us?"  Those are million dollar questions that may never be answered.

After surviving my "great and terrible fall" on November 20, 2014, I thought it would be a good idea to join the health club at work.  Some of the gals I work with are members and go work out during their lunch break, so I could join them.  I had a little trouble with my knee swelling about a week after the great and terrible fall, though, which slowed me down a little and led to a visit to the orthopedist's office. There, 1/4 of a cup of fluid was drained off my knee, and a steroid was injected.  The details that followed are really boring and irrelevant, but suffice it to say there has since been a MRI, a lovely hinged knee brace that matches all my outfits (NOT), and physical therapy that began today.

When I joined the health club, I decided that a few sessions with a personal trainer would benefit me. I dodged his phone calls for a couple of weeks, partially because I knew it wouldn't do me any good to go with my bum knee...and partially out of sheer fear!  There are a couple of things this gal does not enjoy.  One is sweating. The other is pain.  On top of that, my extreme lack of athleticism is a tiny source of an often crippling lack of confidence.  But, by golly, I paid for those sessions, so I decided it was time to suck it up, buttercup! Finally, I answered his phone call.

I met with my trainer, Richard, for the first time last week.  Really nice young man who wasn't at all the intimidating drill sergeant I had imagined.  During the first session, I think he was just trying to figure out what he had to work with.  I'm sure I impressed him as I demonstrated my brute strength.  I was able to perform the three sets of ten in each of the upper body exercises he prescribed at a whopping 7 POUNDS!  Heck! I almost impressed myself!

Before the workout, he measured and weighed me, establishing a baseline.  As the scales stopped at 201 pounds, I gasped.  He attempted to comfort me, reminding me the number would change.  I said, "You don't understand.  On October 29, I weighed 231 pounds.  I've lost 30 pounds!"  It was so exciting!!!  In addition to the pounds lost, I lost an inch in my upper arm, 4 inches in my waist, and 5.5 inches in my hips!!!  Whoot! Whoot!

I had a more intense training session today.  My heart was pumping! I broke a sweat (and didn't die!) I could feel the burn...and LIKED it!  He had me slamming a medicine ball into the floor, swinging a giant rope, trying to walk with my feet in a giant rubber band, and doing some more upper body stuff, this time against my own body weight (slightly more than 7 pounds).  It was invigorating!!!  I can't wait to go back!  After we were done, it was time to weigh...

When I was recovering from the surgery, my first landmark mini goal was to be below 200 pounds before Christmas.  Knowing how my weight tends to fluctuate with water retention, etc., I truly never expected what I saw when the scale stopped calculating.  It read "199." 199 POUNDS!!! Not only did I achieve that landmark goal, I am now on the other side of 200 for the first time in FOREVER!!!  I keep pinching myself to see if this is all a dream, but THIS IS REAL LIFE!!!

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, our little family's traditional evening of celebrating together with a meal and the opening of gifts.  It is also a time to reflect on the blessings and trials of the past year and begin to look forward to the new year.  As you observe this holiday season, may your home overflow with joy.  May you have at least one good belly laugh.  May your heart be filled with gladness and thanksgiving as you realize the blessings you have received.  And most importantly, may you remember that precious, perfect baby King that was born in a lowly stable to save all mankind.  Merry Christmas and God Bless You!

No More Traipsing - Just Straight Up Trippin'!

Oh, how lovely it was - my time of traipsing through lush meadows!  I have moved on to the level of tripping over hard sidewalks.  Now, granted, God's favor still shines upon me!  I am still and always will be His precious daughter, Child of the King.  I am not, however, his most graceful child.  This is a fact I have never disputed, and have, in fact, embraced.

One of my coworkers had a wonderful idea this afternoon!  "Let's go for a walk outside," she said.  "I'm in," I replied, slipping on my sneakers I had stashed in my closet for just this moment. Another colleague of ours joined us, and off we went - to walk the "Hendrick Trail."  It was a lovely afternoon - sun shining, birds chirping, women chatting.  I even noticed that I wasn't as out of breath as usual and could carry on a conversation while we walked! Progress!

Now, it just so happened that I was wearing a maxi skirt (which looked smashing with my hot pink tennies).  About halfway around the trail, I took note of the thousands of freshly fallen acorns on the sidewalk, which reminded me of a hilarious time when I twisted my ankle on one of those pesky little rascals outside the mall, ripping Todd's belt loop as I fell (I had my finger looped in it while we walked), and did a complete 180 as I fell, only to land in a King Tut position on the ground.  Seriously - straight as a board, arms crossed across my chest in an "X."  It struck me as funny today because I was wearing that very same skirt on the day of the acorn attack.  I giggled as I told my friends about the incident, pointing out the skirt and telling them how notorious I am for falling.

We continued to walk until we rounded the third corner of the trail, and one of the girls had to step into a doctor's office to pick up a prescription.  She told the other two of us to go ahead, and she would meet up with us.  So, we continued to walk.  We made it about 15 feet before the earth rumbled, the sidewalk split, and I was thrown to my face!  Maybe I am exaggerating a bit, but I tripped over a raised piece of that sidewalk and down I went!  It was one of those really ugly falls, too!  The kind where there is no way you are gonna recover, you just have to try to minimize the damage.  I caught myself first with both palms, but then I did some weird version of that dance called "the worm," scrubbing the sidewalk with my left brow and left shoulder…and then it was finally over.

I'm sure it was a sight to behold!  My friend, Kara, told me it was like I was falling in slow motion.  I felt like it would never end!  I'm sure there was skirt flying everywhere, and I feel certain my butt showed at some point.  Thankfully, I was wearing thick tights.  After I finally collected myself, Kara began to help me to my feet, and this sweet little man hobbled from across the street at a doctor's office to try to help.  Miraculously, my glasses were fine, no clothing was torn, none of my jewelry was harmed, and I did not pee my pants!  (See! God's favor…)  I did, however, end up with a nice knot and little gash beside my left eyebrow, a bruised and swollen left shoulder, sore hands, swollen left knee, stiffness all over, and a slightly bruised ego.  My biggest fear was that something internally may have been damaged after my surgery, but I think I'm ok.  There is a reason my parents did not consider "Grace" as my middle name.  But thankfully, God is grace, and He extends it to me freely!

We all walked back to the hospital together, unanimously deciding that black skirt has to go!  We had a really good belly laugh over the incident, and the others were already devising safety plans for our next walk.  As my director and I were filling out the forms to report the accident, one of the questions on hers asked something like, "Has the employee received any training on how to perform this task safely?"  Obviously NOT!  Maybe I need to attend Walking 101.  Nah!  I'll just keep things interesting!

I'm still enjoying the lush meadows!  I'm just learning to watch where I'm traipsing!

TTFN!