One thing I am truly blessed with is a husband who loves me no matter my size, hair color (unless it's burgundy), or even if I choose to stay in my jammies with my hair going every which way (my current attire.) One thing I am truly cursed with is a self who could not love me the way I was…ever! In the 7th grade, at about 115 pounds, I went on my first diet because I was "fat." I was basing that judgment on the fact that no sunlight could be seen between my thighs when I stood with my legs together. I compared myself to other girls who were, in my eyes, the perfect size. That was the beginning of a lifelong struggle to measure up to the world's standards. It was also the beginning of a cycle of self-loathing, yo-yo dieting, and destruction that kept me from living life to the fullest for much of my adult life.
I've tried and temporarily succeeded more weight loss plans and gimmicks than you can shake a stick at…Atkins, Weight Watchers (multiple times and many with success), Metabolic Research, Phen-fen (I was devastated when they took it off the market), Phentermine alone, OTC diet pills, low fat, low carb, that crazy cabbage diet, and even one where you had to eat wieners and beets. YUCK!!! The bottom line is that, even though I would often lose 40 pounds or so, I always fell back into my old way of eating and gained back what was lost…PLUS! It seems that emotions are the most fattening thing we can ever eat!
Last year, though, I could not take it anymore! At 231 pounds, wearing size 18-20 pants, my feet and my knee could no longer bear my weight without pain; I couldn't walk to my car from work without getting winded; I had no energy, and I had lost all my joy. I could not bear the pain of seeing what I had done to myself. It was time to make a permanent change and defeat the demon waging war with my health. So, on October 29, 2014, I was given a do-over. The reset button was pushed, and I was given a second chance at life…to the fullest!
My three-month follow up was this past Tuesday. 45 pounds are gone - FOREVER! Not only that, my body fat percentage dropped from 45.8% pre-op to 39.6%, and I've lost 9 inches in my hips and 6.5 inches in my waist!!! But what I've lost is not the important part! What I've gained is self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem. There is no way to measure that!
Wednesday, as I was drying my hair, I noticed something that I had never seen before. I texted Emily and said, "You'll never believe what I found when I was drying my hair this morning!" She replied, "???" "BICEPS, baby!" was my response! Welcome to the gun show, ladies and gentlemen!!! Now granted, they are cap pistols or maybe BB guns at best, but there is certainly some definition! It's nice to see my hard work at the gym pay off, even in small increments.
So, about that skinny girl…at 48 years old, I realize that being "skinny" is truly not what is important. Being healthy, however, is everything. I stopped trying to shut that healthy girl inside of me up with junk food, and have instead chosen to eat and live in such a way that the layers of life-taking fat that have smothered her for so many years are melting off, slowly but surely, allowing her to emerge like a phoenix from the ashes! I thank God for rescuing me from that pit of despair in which I was comfortably miserable for so long!
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40:1-3
May you be truly blessed!
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