Confessions of a Twice-aholic

Because I am the Queen of Rationalization for all my actions, before I made the decision to finance my surgery, I rationalized the new payment by saying, "I spend way more than that on junk food and fast food in a month!  It will balance out."  One factor I could never have foreseen was a new addiction…shoes and clothes!  Merciful Heavens!  I'm in deep, and I have to put my foot down (and stop trying on new shoes) NOW!!!

A couple of months ago, I stumbled upon this amazing website called "Twice" through which one can purchase and sell gently used, name-brand clothing, shoes, and bags.  I was in Heaven!  When I first discovered the site, the clothing was very reasonably priced (although the prices seem to be creeping up with the site's popularity.)  This was perfect because, as fast as my body has been changing, I could not rationalize (no matter how hard I tried) paying full price for clothes that would be too big before they were even laundered once.  I purchased a few pieces here and there - a Calvin Klein blazer, NWT (that's "new with tag" in the second-hand clothing biz), for $17!  I've been able to create a great professional wardrobe for much less than it would have cost retail.  

Now, this might seem like no big deal, but those boxes arrive at my house on at least a weekly basis.  To date, I have purchased 4 pairs of shoes, who-knows-how-many tops, 2 blazers, a couple of pairs of pants, and NO bags!  (I had to throw that in just to make myself feel better!)  My name is Missy, and I'm a Twice-aholic.  Then, as if that weren't enough, I went to the Dillard's shoe sale last weekend and bought FOUR more pairs of shoes!!!  In my defense, though, three of those four are very practical dress shoes, and they were marked down 65%.  (See why I'm the Queen?)

WOW!  This really brings my problem into the light!  I'm so embarrassed by this confession that I may have second thoughts about posting it!  Press on, though, Missy!  Press on!

As I was thinking about this issue this morning, it occurred to me that I have simply replaced one addiction with another.  You see, food is really no longer an addiction or issue to me.  Eating is just something I do to stay alive now, where before my surgery, it was what I lived for.  I acknowledge that my newfound love for shoes and clothes has become my new "craving."  Not healthy, nor what I had hoped for.

I read a wonderful book called "Made to Crave" by Lysa Terkhurst about a year ago.  In this book, the author writes that we are all born with an innate craving in our hearts that God intended to be filled by a relationship with Him.  We've heard about that "God-shaped hole."  While the book primarily deals with our tendency to attempt to satisfy that craving with food, it also recognizes the many other fake gods with which we try to fill it - alcohol, sex, material things, SHOES!  All those things may temporarily make us feel "satisfied," but the hole is still there, and often even grows larger.  We are only truly satisfied when we satisfy our craving in communion the Creator and Lover of our souls.

While I was dealing with my addiction to food, I had a lunch bag embroidered with the phrase "Made 2 Crave U."  I'm thinking I need to have a big sign made for my closet with that same phrase...just to remind me that, even though my closet may be filled to overflowing, my heart will remain empty unless I truly crave and chase after Jesus.

May you be blessed, and may your heart be satisfied by Him!

Let That Skinny Girl OUT!!!

I used to have a sign in my kitchen that said, "There's a skinny girl who lives inside of me that's trying to get out, but I can usually shut her up with cookies!"  Until a little over three months ago, that was so true!  And pizza, and ice cream, and Coke, and pasta, and chocolate, and…well, just about anything you can imagine.  I took that sign down, though, and am allowing that girl to emerge from the prison that once held her captive!

One thing I am truly blessed with is a husband who loves me no matter my size, hair color (unless it's burgundy), or even if I choose to stay in my jammies with my hair going every which way (my current attire.)  One thing I am truly cursed with is a self who could not love me the way I was…ever!  In the 7th grade, at about 115 pounds, I went on my first diet because I was "fat."  I was basing that judgment on the fact that no sunlight could be seen between my thighs when I stood with my legs together.  I compared myself to other girls who were, in my eyes, the perfect size.  That was the beginning of a lifelong struggle to measure up to the world's standards.  It was also the beginning of a cycle of self-loathing, yo-yo dieting, and destruction that kept me from living life to the fullest for much of my adult life.

I've tried and temporarily succeeded more weight loss plans and gimmicks than you can shake a stick at…Atkins, Weight Watchers (multiple times and many with success), Metabolic Research, Phen-fen (I was devastated when they took it off the market), Phentermine alone, OTC diet pills, low fat, low carb, that crazy cabbage diet, and even one where you had to eat wieners and beets.  YUCK!!!  The bottom line is that, even though I would often lose 40 pounds or so, I always fell back into my old way of eating and gained back what was lost…PLUS!  It seems that emotions are the most fattening thing we can ever eat!

Last year, though, I could not take it anymore!  At 231 pounds, wearing size 18-20 pants, my feet and my knee could no longer bear my weight without pain; I couldn't walk to my car from work without getting winded; I had no energy, and I had lost all my joy.  I could not bear the pain of seeing what I had done to myself.  It was time to make a permanent change and defeat the demon waging war with my health.  So, on October 29, 2014, I was given a do-over.  The reset button was pushed, and I was given a second chance at life…to the fullest!

My three-month follow up was this past Tuesday.  45 pounds are gone - FOREVER!  Not only that, my body fat percentage dropped from 45.8% pre-op to 39.6%, and I've lost 9 inches in my hips and 6.5 inches in my waist!!!  But what I've lost is not the important part!  What I've gained is self-confidence, self-love, self-esteem.  There is no way to measure that!

Wednesday, as I was drying my hair, I noticed something that I had never seen before.  I texted Emily and said, "You'll never believe what I found when I was drying my hair this morning!"  She replied, "???"  "BICEPS, baby!" was my response!  Welcome to the gun show, ladies and gentlemen!!!  Now granted, they are cap pistols or maybe BB guns at best, but there is certainly some definition!  It's nice to see my hard work at the gym pay off, even in small increments.

So, about that skinny girl…at 48 years old, I realize that being "skinny" is truly not what is important.  Being healthy, however, is everything.  I stopped trying to shut that healthy girl inside of me up with junk food, and have instead chosen to eat and live in such a way that the layers of life-taking fat that have smothered her for so many years are melting off, slowly but surely, allowing her to emerge like a phoenix from the ashes!  I thank God for rescuing me from that pit of despair in which I was comfortably miserable for so long!

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God."  Psalm 40:1-3

May you be truly blessed!